


Spooning

by sinemoras09



Series: J-19 Omega-12 [3]
Category: Rick and Morty
Genre: Alternate Universe, Cuddling & Snuggling, Drawer Fic, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fluff, Happy Sex, Insecurity and Reassurance, Self-Indulgent, WAFF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-05
Updated: 2020-03-19
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:54:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 13,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22488997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinemoras09/pseuds/sinemoras09
Summary: Series of loosely-related vignettes and PWP drabbles about Doofus Rick and Diane dating in grad school. Alternate Doofus Rick/Diane. AU. Fluff. Explicit content marked.  Takes place in the same universe asChiral.
Relationships: Doofus Rick/Diane Sanchez
Series: J-19 Omega-12 [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1618060
Kudos: 14





	1. First Date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I keep messing with the order of this fic - I had originally written this as 4 vignettes, not in chronological order, then I re-wrote it so that it's chronologic. But on reading my original drafts, I think I like the first way better. 
> 
> No new updates here, just re-ordering stuff :)

1.

"Look, Rick, I'm really sorry to do this, but...I think I'm going to go home," Diane says. Doofus Rick stands.

"W-why?" Doofus Rick says. "I-i-is something wrong?" 

"No, I'm just tired. I have a long day tomorrow and I think I have to go home," Diane says.

"W-well maybe....maybe tomorrow, you know, w-w-w-we could go take a walk at the park? It's really nice there, a-and it's quiet, i-it's my favorite place to go, and--"

"Rick," Diane says, and Doofus Rick falls quiet. "I'm sorry, Rick. I hate to do this, but...you're a really nice guy, Rick, but I mean....I don't really date a lot, you know. I'm just really busy with my work."

Doofus Rick blinks. "Oh. O-okay..."

"I mean, you're a really nice guy, Rick, and you're smart, and...I mean, I think maybe you should be with someone more on your level."

"W-was I talking too much?" Doofus Rick says. "Everybody says I talk too much. I-I'm really sorry, Diane, I just get really excited about stuff, and...and you're important to me, a-a-a-and I wanted to share it, and...oh boy, I really blew it, didn't I, Diane?"

"No, it's okay," Diane says, quickly. "I'm just really busy with work."

"You know, last night, I-I saw that art history book you were talking about, you know? The one about Caravaggio? So I thought, maybe if I read it, you know, maybe I could learn some of the theories a-a-and impress you a little bit, you know...when we first met, I just thought that maybe you might think I'm kind of dumb, you know, because I don't know art or literature like you do. I-I even--" he starts fumbling through his papers, "--I even looked up that one French film, you know, because you said you liked it, a-a-and I thought I'd watch it, you know, but i-it wasn't subtitled and I had to go borrow a French grammar book, a-and the grammar was easy enough to learn but I don't have the vocabulary down, I mean, I can order a croissant now, but..."

He trails off, helplessly.

"I think I was just lonely," Doofus Rick says.

Diane folds her hands quietly in front of her.

"You know French, now?" Diane says, finally. Doofus Rick nods.

"It, uh. I-it took me a couple hours. But I-I-I think I have a pretty good grasp on the language."

Diane smiles at him. "Really? Alors, est-ce que vous me comprendrez si je parle français? Pouvez-vous repondre?"

"Um...you asked if I could understand if you speak in French, and if I could respond. I mean, I can, you know, but I-I'd probably butcher the language."

Diane raises her eyebrows. "You learned an entire language in the span of a couple hours but you can't speak it?"

"I-I mean, I don't have anyone to practice with," Doofus Rick says, and Diane hangs her head and laughs. She pushes back a strand of hair, tucking it behind her ear.

"You really do talk too much," Diane says. She smiles and rubs his arm, fondly. "Maybe we can take that walk in the park?"

Doofus Rick brightens. "R-really?"

"Your hard work paid off. I'm really impressed."

"Oh! W-well. I-I-I also went ahead and, and read a few academic journals, you know, the International Journal of Art and Art History, you know, and--"

"Rick," Diane says. She touches his arm. "Quit while you're ahead, Rick."

"Oh." He ducks his head. 

"S-sorry, Diane."

*****

  
2.

This is what happened the day before their date.

"Guys! I-I-I have a date tonight!" Doofus Rick said.

His colleagues glanced at each other, then took a step backwards. Doofus Rick stepped forward again. "I-I'm so excited - I've never been on a date before."

"Um." His colleague glanced at his other other colleague, then cleared his throat. "Ahem. Who are you seeing, Rick? Do we know her?"

"Y-you know Diane, right?"

They blinked. "Diane? Wait, the freckled blonde--"

"The one you kept staring at and probably made really uncomfortable?"

"The one you followed to her apartment like a creepy stalker?"

"The one you started crying over in the break room because she walked past you and ignored you?"

"Y-yeah!" Doofus Rick said happily, and his colleagues glanced again at each other. 

"Uh." His other colleague cleared his throat again, loudly and conspicuously. "Are you sure it's a real date?"

"W-w-w-what do you mean?"

"I mean, Rick, are you sure this isn't some....misunderstanding? You know...that she didn't maybe ask to borrow a book or something, and you didn't round it up in your mind as a date--"

"O-oh, no," Doofus Rick said, smiling. "She, she asked me out herself--"

"Did she use the word, 'date'?" They glanced at each other, doubtfully.

"I-I mean, I think it's implied, you know, she asked me to look over her paper, and I mean, I'm not in her discipline, you know, but I-I-I dabble! A-and it's not unusual to ask other peoples' opinions before you publish--"

"And," his colleagues frowned, "that's the date?"

"She, she asked to meet for coffee." Doofus Rick grinned nervously.

His colleague took a step back, re-establishing a modicum of personal space. "When is your 'date'?" His other colleague frowned at them.

"Oh, it's tonight! A-a-after the department meeting!"

"And...you're wearing that?"

Doofus Rick blinked confused as his colleagues shook their heads. "W-w-w-what's wrong with what I'm wearing?" Doofus Rick said.

"I mean," his colleague gestured. "The bowl cut and the ill-fitting lab coat aren't exactly date material. You'll at least take the coat off, right?"

"I always wear my lab coat," Doofus Rick said, stupidly. "Anyway, you know, I-I was hoping you could give me some tips, you know. I-it's my first date a-and you're both married, I-I was hoping I could ask--"

"Don't be yourself," his colleague said.

Doofus Rick blinked. "W-what?"

"Don't step too close to her. Pretend she has a bubble - don't invade her personal space."

"If her eyes start glazing over when you're talking, she's bored. Stop talking about whatever it is you're talking about and take the hint."

"People don't like being followed, so when she leaves, don't follow her."

"And for the love of God, Rick! Don't talk too much."

The department meeting came and went. Doofus Rick didn't pay attention, he was too excited. He was meeting Diane in an hour! Now in thirty minutes! He was meeting Diane in fifteen minutes and then the meeting was finally over.

He was walking down the hall when he overheard a few people talking. It was his two colleagues, talking to the others. He stopped by the door and listened.

"Jesus, he thinks it's a date? Oh boy. I really hope you disabused him of that notion."

"I mean, he's smart, she probably heard about him in her department - but god, can you imagine? He'd probably be talk at her for hours while invading her personal space."

"Can you imagine having sex with him?"

Laughter. A wheezed, "Jesus Christ!" and then, "with that stupid bowl cut and the lazy eye! I mean, he's so twitchy, can you imagine?!"

"That poor girl...someone needs to warn her."

Doofus Rick's eyes dimmed. He clutched his papers.

*****

3.

The first thing he becomes aware of, as he slowly blinks awake, is the warmth of the bedsheets, and how warm Diane feels pressed up against him.

"Mm." Diane shifts, then presses a soft kiss against his sternum. "Morning." She drapes an arm around his ribs, then cuddles closer.

Doofus Rick beams stupidly. She smiles at him and kisses him, before nudging his shoulder with her forehead. He feels her leg drape luxuriously over his hip before she scoots her body closer against him; he feels her pelvis press against his erection.

"U-um." Doofus Rick blushes and covers his mouth with his hand. "Let me, let me brush my teeth first."

Diane laughs. They both get up to the bathroom.

He bought a toothbrush the night before, when they set out of her apartment to look for bigger condoms: the ones Diane had bought were too small, and after a few fumbling attempts to put one on, she used her mouth on him and told him bluntly they needed to go to the drugstore.

"I-I can't believe it," Doofus Rick says. "I-I was a virgin yesterday, and now--"

Diane grins and mouths his neck. "Yeah?"

"Y-you let me kiss you, and--" his voice hitches a bit as she lowers herself on top of him. "Oh geez, Diane." And he stops speaking because it feels too good to keep focus.

They eat breakfast on the couch, Diane curling her bare legs beneath her while Doofus Rick balances a plate of eggs in his hand. She takes a bite of toasted bagel and lists sideways into his chest, making Doofus Rick blush happily as she tries to feed him a bite of the eggs.

"Do you, do you want to come with me to my apartment?" Doofus Rick asks. "I-I need to get a change of clothes, you know. A-a-a-and maybe we can go somewhere--"

Diane lifts an eyebrow. "You know, most guys would just call this the end of the date."

"O-oh. They do?" Doofus Rick blinks. "I-I'm sorry, am I imposing on you?"

"No, silly, I'm just teasing you." She wraps her arms around his waist. "Yeah. Show me your apartment." 

Doofus Rick beams at her.

*****

"Diane?"

"Yeah?"

They're walking down the sidewalk. It's early morning, and the sun hasn't risen yet. The air is cool and he feels Diane wrap her arm around his elbow, leaning against him for warmth. Doofus Rick beams.

"Does this mean you're my girlfriend?"

Diane laughs. She bumps her head against his arm, smiling. Doofus Rick smiles hesitantly.

"W-w-w-what's so funny?"

"You're so cute," Diane says smiling. "Yes, I can be your girlfriend."

His whole face lights up. Diane laughs affectionately.

"You do realize, though, how that ask would be a little creepy." 

"But w-we slept together, right Diane? W-why would asking you to be my girlfriend be considered creepy?"

"Some people like to get to know their partner first," Diane says.

"I can't believe I have a girlfriend!" Doofus Rick says, and Diane laughs again, hugging him.

His whole demeanor can be off-putting; he sits too close, speaks too excitedly and rapidly. He's brilliant but lonely and doesn't have any friends. 

She cares about him. She resolves to never let him feel lonely again.

  
*****

  
4.

It's nighttime, and Diane bounds up the sidewalk, eager to meet Doofus Rick for their fourth official "date." The word doesn't mean much - they've been sleeping together every night for well over a month, but he's been so busy with his experiments and she's been busy with her work, that they haven't actually had time to go out.

He's standing beneath a streetlight by the university steps, and Diane catches his eye and waves.

"Rick!" She beams at him and waves.

He looks up. Their eyes catch, but he just smiles at her sadly.

Diane stops. Normally when they meet, his whole face lights up with a goofy grin, before trotting over to hug her. This time, though, Doofus Rick hunches a little; his eyes are downcast and he looks a little sad.

"What's wrong?" Diane says. She circles her hands around his waist, pulling him close. He takes a shuddery breath, then smiles at her awkwardly.

"Sorry," he says, and she feels him drop his head against her shoulder as she hugs him. He smiles against her neck. "I-I had sort of a bad day."

"You did?" She says. She searches his eyes, rubbing his arm. "What happened?" she asks, and they start to walk. She takes his hand, lacing her fingers around his.

"Nothing, really. I-I just...oh boy, Diane, I-I'm just having a really bad day..."

His voice breaks a little, and Diane stops again, watching worried as he blinks and quickly wipes his eyes.

"Wanna go home?" she asks.

"But...w-what about our date?"

Diane leans closer and shakes her head. "We can go out later, let's get you home." She takes him by the elbow and steers him down the street. They're closest to his apartment; the streets grow darker, only a few street lamps lighting the path compared to the bright lights of the downtown area, and the wind picks up a little, making Diane shiver a bit from the cold.

"Sorry," Doofus Rick says, finally. "I-I know you were looking forward to our date."

"I was looking forward to seeing you, I don't care about going on a date."

He smiles a bit at that. Diane catches his eye and smiles at him, squeezing his hand.

They reach his apartment. She holds back a bit while he fumbles for his keys, his hands shaking a little as he sticks it into the lock. The door jams, and he has to shoulder his way inside before the door gives way. He stumbles, then pushes the door open; Diane rubs his back as they go inside.

He switches on a light. Unlike Diane's apartment, his apartment is messy and in various states of disarray. Half-finished inventions are strewn all over the carpet, and every available surface is covered with draft paper or machine parts or half-scribbled ideas on crumpled up napkins. They've mostly been staying at her place because Diane jokingly told him his place was like sleeping in a warehouse. He pushes a stack of papers off the bed so they can sit, which is cutely typical of him, but Diane has enough wherewithal to realize now isn't the time to tease him. They sit on the mattress, and immediately he hugs her and burrows his head against her neck, moving until they're both lying backwards. She rests a hand against his back as he miserably rests against her shoulder.

"What happened?" Diane asks again. He's lying with his head resting on her chest. Absently she runs her fingers against his scalp, scratching lightly and stroking his hair. He sighs and holds her tighter.

"Nobody likes me," he says, miserably.

"I like you," Diane says. He smiles. "But I know that doesn't really count."

"It counts." His eyes grow distant and glassy again. "Y-y-you know that invention I've been working on? I finally...I finally got it to work. A-a-and I was excited, you know, I was trying to explain it to a colleague, but then, but then they got kind of fidgety and tired of listening to me, but I-I didn't realize it until another colleague came over and they started talking to each other, and pretty soon it was like they shut me out.

"I-I mean, that sort of thing happens a lot, you know, i-i-it isn't anything new, but....but then I saw everybody eating lunch, you know, and I went, I went to sit next to them. But then they all got up and left and I ate alone.

"I mean, I always eat alone, you know. But I guess. I-I wanted to tell someone about my invention, you know. I-I-I was really excited. A-and I started talking to another colleague about my invention and our date, you know, but then he just looks at my other colleague and goes, 'that poor girl must have the patience of a saint,' and they kind of laughed, you know, and I....I asked them what was so funny and they just kind of looked at me..."

"Oh no," Diane says.

"...and, um. You know, they said maybe you're just with me because you feel sorry for me, but then they said they were joking.

"I, um. I told them I didn't get the joke, you know. A-a-and they just kind of looked at me, and I told them, I-I-I didn't understand what was so funny. And Carl - h-he's one of my co-workers, he works with flatworms - Carl says, 'I mean, look at you, Rick. Can't you see why that's funny?' but i-it kind of hurt my feelings, you know, but Carl said he was just joking.

"I mean...I-I'm not stupid, you know. I-I-I know what I look like. But I just wanted to talk to someone about my invention, you know, but no one wanted to talk to me."

Diane presses her lips to his forehead, then shifts his weight against her chest. "Carl sounds like an asshole," she says, succinctly.

He laughs softly, and Diane takes that as an opportunity to reach around and grab the comforter that's bunched up messily in the corner, pulling the blanket around the both of them, kicking off her shoes and curling up against him warmly.

"Diane?"

"Yeah?"

"W-why are you with me?"

Diane shifts to look at him. He moves so that he's lying on his side facing her, his head sharing her pillow. "You could be with any man you want," he says. "W-why would you want to be with me?"

She hugs him. "I don't suppose it'd make you feel better if I told you it's because I have impeccable taste?"

He smiles a bit at that. Diane smiles at him, then presses a soft kiss against his lips. "I don't know," she says, softly. "I'm with you because you make me happy."

"Really?" he asks. She nods against his chest.

"Yeah." She presses a soft kiss against his sternum, then brushes the spot with her fingertips over the fabric of his shirt.

"Diane?"

"Yeah?"

"A-are you with me because you felt sorry for me?"

She presses a kiss to his shirtfront, then lets her fingers worry over the spot. "A little bit. Yeah."

He takes a sharp breath. She hugs him, pulling him flush against her body.

"You said you were lonely," Diane says, softly. "I felt bad, so I thought I'd give you another chance."

He doesn't say anything at that. She shifts against him, thoughtfully.

"Why am I with you? Let's see. You're a good person. You're kind. You're good to me. You like to cuddle and you like those stupid rom com movies more than me--"

He laughs softly at that. She fondly kisses him.

"What else? I like how cute you are when you get excited, how you have the biggest smile on your face when you're talking about your work. I like that you're so tall, you still have to bend forward to kiss me even if I'm standing on my toes--"

He smiles shyly. She kisses him, smiling.

"I like your face," she says, looking up at him. "I like how you smile all shy when you look at me. I like that you still blush when I touch you and how you hold me when you make love to me."

"I like that too," he says, softly.

"I like that I was your first," she says, and she laces her fingers between his. "I hope I'll be your only."

He smiles, but his eyes grow wet and glassy at that.

"Hey," she says, and she rolls him onto his back, kissing him and lying on top of him. "I think it'd make you feel better if you had sex with me."

He lets out a startled laugh, embarrassed and genuinely surprised at that. She smiles and leans forward, kissing him gently and stroking his face.

"Um." He laughs shyly. "Okay."

"Yeah?" She drops a soft kiss against his lips, rocking her hips on top of him. "You can tell Carl how you got laid during your pity date."

"Oh boy." He laughs, startled, and she smiles, kissing him, sliding her hands beneath his shirt and circling his waist.

They make love. They smile as they kiss, until he's thrusting hard and breathing harshly. He comes and she feels him pulsing hard inside her, draping a sweaty hand across his back and holding him, happily.

"I love you," she says. It's the first time either of them have said it. He looks up at her and his eyes fill with tears.

"Rick!" she says, and hugging him. Doofus Rick sniffs and laughs, wiping back tears.

"I-I love you too, Diane. I-I've always loved you. I just wasn't sure when I could tell you."

"Hmm, well I think I already pretty much guessed," Diane says, and he sniffs and laughs, softly. 

"I love you," she says again. Doofus Rick smiles.

"I love you too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> French translation: "So, you can understand me if I speak French? Can you respond?" I use the vous-form instead of tu because at this point, Diane doesn't know Doofus Rick very well.


	2. Periods of Productivity

Of all the faculty members at the university, Doofus Rick was probably the weirdest. So when the members of the lab found out he was crushing on a random blonde girl in the library, everyone began to gossip.

"Oh, Diane?" Doofus Rick smiled stupidly. "She's my friend."

"Friend?" His colleagues looked at him doubtfully.

The grad students snickered to themselves whenever they caught Doofus Rick in the library, flirting awkwardly with the blonde girl as she tried to study. "I think she's in the humanities," one grad student said. The blonde girl read old thick books and took notes with a legal pad of paper, obviously trying her best to block Doofus Rick out as he bounded over to her like a happy puppy.

"Hi Diane! W-w-w-watcha reading?"

"Oh. It's for my oral exam."

"Oh, it is? Wow! So then, y-you're almost halfway through your program?"

The grad students cringed to themselves as the blonde girl's eyes flicked upward politely, then focused back on her paper: "Mm hmm."

Doofus Rick pulled up a chair. "Gosh, I remember my orals. I-I was dumb, my dissertation was interdisciplinary. The topics were so broad, i-i-it was crazy!"

The girl glanced up briefly, then looked back at her book. Doofus Rick continued,

"So, you picked your topics a-a-and you're studying for them? W-w-what's your specialty?" He looked over her shoulder. "Wow! Art History! That's, that's really interesting! But, i-isn't art subjective, though? How, how would that even be tested?"

"I guess the same way any other subject is." She put down her pencil. He hovered, awkwardly.

Hours passed. The number of people in the library gradually thinned, and the bright overhead lights were replaced by dim yellow ones. At the back of the library, there was the figure of the girl diligently pouring over her books while a lanky young man kept hovering over her.

"Look at Dr. Sanchez," the grad students whispered. They watched as Doofus Rick bounded over toward the blonde girl like a goofy puppy, beaming brightly and waiting excitedly to be noticed by her.

*****

They were finishing up a meeting when Doofus Rick saw the red cardigan draped over the chair of an empty table. "Oh no," Doofus Rick said, and he picked it up. "I-I think that's Diane's."

His colleague frowned. "Are you sure? Lots of women wear red sweaters, Rick. You should just turn it into lost and found."

"No, but look," Doofus Rick said, and he held up the cardigan. "Here's a few blonde hairs, a-and it even smells like her--"

"Whoa, okay Rick, seriously?!"

"I-I mean, she's blonde, and she smells like strawberries, I-I'm not sure it's perfume, i-it could be body wash o-o-or shampoo," Doofus Rick said. His colleague rubbed his head. "You think I should return it to her?"

"Wha- no, Rick, I think you should put that in lost and found before that poor girl thinks you're stalking her."

"Stalking her?" Doofus Rick blinked. "I-I'm not stalking her."

"Rick, buddy." His colleague put his hand on Doofus Rick's shoulder. "I'm saying this to you as a friend. You're not...the most socially well-calibrated person there is. It may not be your intention to creep her out, but showing up in the middle of the night with her sweater definitely will."

"But, but, Diane's my friend, she knows I-I wouldn't do anything to hurt her--"

"Rick, she tolerates you. All you do is bother her."

Doofus Rick pulled back. "I do?"

"C'mon, Rick. You were hanging all over her when she was trying to study."

"I-I mean, I-I-I had a few overnight experiments that were time-sensitive, I-I thought I'd visit her while I was waiting--"

"I mean, Rick...you're a professor and an academic researcher. She hasn't even done her orals yet. I get that you two are in different departments, but think of the optics. You're an authority figure. It's not a good look."

Doofus Rick stammered. "I-I mean, w-we're about the same age, she's only a couple years younger than me. I-I-I just finished my PhD when I was twenty--"

"Rick, everybody knows you're a genius. But sometimes that means you've got the blinders on, buddy, sometimes it makes you a little myopic."

"I just want to get her back her sweater," Doofus Rick said. His colleague sighed loudly.

*****

Something was wrong during the morning meeting. The research team watched as Doofus Rick went to the head of the room, mumbled through the stack of prior studies, then quickly glossed over their research objectives. His eyes were bleary. He didn't look like he got much sleep.

One of the other faculty members stopped him in the hall.

"Oh. I-I'm fine. I just didn't get much sleep," Doofus Rick said, but the faculty member had a hunch.

"Did something happen between you and that girl?" the faculty member asked. Doofus Rick's eyes began to water.

The faculty member grabbed Doofus Rick by the elbow, leading him to the office. He was supposed to have office hours, but he taped a sign to the door and locked it. Then he made Doofus Rick a cup of coffee, sitting him in front of the desk.

"What the hell happened?" the faculty member said.

"Oh. Um." Doofus Rick blinked, slowly. "I-I tried to talk to Diane, but...but I don't think she's happy with me."

"What do you mean?" the faculty member said. Doofus Rick hunched forward.

*****

"Wait, you showed up at her apartment in the middle of the night just to give her back her sweater?!"

The faculty member stared at Doofus Rick, aghast, utterly floored at the lack of self-awareness and common sense. Doofus Rick groaned, holding his head, while the faculty member berated him: "Rick! You can't go to some girl's apartment in the middle of the night, Rick! No wonder you scared her!"

"I-I just wanted to return her sweater." Doofus Rick held his head, miserably.

"How did you even find out where she lives?"

"I-I looked it up on the university directory." He moaned slightly, holding his head. "She was so upset!" Doofus Rick said. "I-I didn't mean to upset her, I-I just wanted to return her sweater--"

The faculty member frowned, then straightened.

"Listen, Rick. Forget her. She wasn't interested in you anyway. You're a great guy, anyone who doesn't see that has something wrong with her."

"Please don't say anything bad about Diane. I-i-it isn't her fault I upset her."

The faculty member fell silent. Doofus Rick wiped his eyes.

He disappeared into his office. Ostensibly, Doofus Rick was working on his paper, printing out articles to read and evaluating experimental results. Eventually, the lab cleared out, and the benches were empty. A few grad students were sitting in the corner, waiting on a few overnight experiments, when there was a knocking at the door.

The grad students peered over. It was the blonde girl, holding a cup of coffee and asking for Doofus Rick. They watched as he loped shyly toward her, his face brightening visibly as she handed him the cup of coffee. She waited as he finished up his experiments, before standing up and pulling on her red sweater.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Oral Exam is basically a three-hour session where your committee questions you about stuff related to your dissertation. Questions and answers are given orally, and afterwards the committee votes on whether or not you pass. Interdisciplinary dissertations are insane because the topics related to that are really broad and difficult to narrow.


	3. Sweater

This is what happened when Doofus Rick tried to return Diane's sweater.

It was late, and the streets were empty. He knew Diane could be at one of three places: she could be studying at the coffee shop, which was open past midnight; she could be at the 24-hour laundromat where she sometimes read articles while doing her laundry; or she could be at the stacks in the library, where you could reserve a study cubicle to keep from being distracted.

She wasn't at the coffee shop. She wasn't at the library. He glanced around, then took the rickety sidewalk that led off-campus. Unlike the residential areas near the university, the sidewalk was cracked in places and surrounded by chain-link fencing. The walls were covered in graffiti and the ground was littered with garbage. In the distance, he could hear police sirens.

The laundromat was the only building that was lit up from the inside: even though he was still a few blocks away, he still could see the bright white fluorescent lights spilling outward.

The door opened, and the bell above it jingled. He could see Diane walking out with a backpack and a duffel bag of laundry.

There she was. He gripped her sweater and started walking toward her.

"Diane?"

The street was poorly lit, and his voice was drowned out by the sound of wind and cars driving by. She was walking at a brisk pace, so Doofus Rick hitched up her sweater and started walking faster. "Diane? Diane?"

She was hitching her bag closer to her body now, picking up the pace. Doofus Rick started to jog, getting closer. "H-hey! Diane?"

A car turned right, briefly blocking his view.

Oh boy, he was getting out of breath. Did she always walk this fast? He was starting to close the distance between them, now only about half a block behind her.

She got to her apartment complex. He watched her run up the steel metal steps to her second-floor unit, the stairwell poorly lit except for a single orange-yellow light sticking out from the brick wall. He was just about to reach the foot of the stairs when he saw her frantically digging in her purse.

"Diane? W-wait--"

She tried shoving the key into the lock, but her hands were shaking, she couldn't get it in. Doofus Rick bounded up the steps, taking two steps at a time, while Diane threw a glance downstairs, then dropped the keys.

"Diane?" Doofus Rick crested the steps as Diane scrambled for her keys. She snatched them up and whirled around, trying to shove the key back into the lock, when Doofus Rick lurched forward at the top of the stairs.

Diane shrieked. She dropped her keys and flattened her back against the wall.

And then she blinked. "Rick?"

Doofus Rick leaned over, hands on his knees as he tried to catch his breath. "S-sorry. Diane. Y-you were walking really fast--"

Diane clutched her bag to her chest. "Rick?! What the hell are you doing, Rick?!"

"I-I wanted to give you back your sweater," Doofus Rick said. Diane kept staring at him, bewildered, as he fumbled and pulled out her sweater.

"Y-you left this." He held out her sweater, stupidly. "I-I thought I'd return this."

"Wha--?" She stared at him, uncomprehending. And then, "You were chasing me down the street to give me back my sweater? Jesus, Rick. I thought I was gonna get mugged."

"I-is that why you were running?" he said, and it dawned on him. Dark street. Strange guy, shouting and running after her. "Oh geez, Diane, I-I'm so sorry, I didn't mean--"

"How did you find me? We're not on campus, how'd you know where I'd be?"

"W-well, y-you're either at the coffee shop or the library, but it's Tuesday so I figured y-you'd be doing laundry--"

She stared at him harder. "You know my schedule?"

He held out her sweater. "I-I just wanted to give this back to you." She took it, frowning at him.

"I-I'm really sorry, Diane. I-I-I didn't mean to scare you."

"No, it's okay, I'm fine," she said. She didn't sound fine.

Doofus Rick started. "A-are you mad, Diane?"

"No, of course not, I'm fine."

She unlocked the door, then opened it. He started forward, "Can, can I talk to you later, Diane?"

"Maybe later," she said, and then, "Thanks for the sweater," before closing the door.

*****

"You are such a fucking idiot," his colleague said.

Word somehow spread throughout the department about Doofus Rick's hamfisted attempts to return the sweater to Diane. "What the fuck, Rick? You're lucky she didn't call the police - seriously, chasing her down the street? Following her to her apartment?! That's some serious stalker shit, Rick."

Doofus Rick hunched forward. He couldn't concentrate on his experiments. Behind him, he could hear the grad students whispering furtively to themselves, cupping their hands to their mouths and gesturing toward him.

Was Diane angry with him? Did she hate him? Tears filled his eyes as he stared listlessly at his papers.

There was a sound, a door opening and one of the grad students giving directons. "He's over there," the grad student said, and Doofus Rick could hear the sound of footsteps walking toward him.

"Rick?"

Doofus Rick lifted his eyes. His eyes widened.

Diane smiled awkwardly. She held out a cup of coffee.

Doofus Rick tripped as he lurched upright from the bench. "Diane?!"

"I got this for you." She smiled apologetically. "I figure you probably didn't get much sleep. I wasn't sure how much cream and sugar you took, so I got it black. I, uh," she dug through her pockets. "I got these little creamers here, and a few sugar packets."

"Um." Their fingers brushed as he took the cup from her. "Thank you."

The grad students were staring at them.

"Uh, do you, do you want to step into my office?" Oh boy, that sounded really bad. Doofus Rick cringed a little when he remembered his colleague's point - Diane was a grad student and Doofus Rick was a professor. Diane smiled at him.

"Sure," she said, and she followed him out the lab and down the hall.

*****

His office was covered in stacks and stacks of papers: stacks of papers on the floor, a few journals carelessly strewn and stuck in the corners of the room; the surface of his desk covered with papers detailing experiment results and stacks of technical papers. Even the chairs in front of his desk, meant for whatever theoretical students who visited him during office hours were covered with papers. He quickly shoved them on the floor and offered Diane a chair.

"How are you a professor?" Diane said. She glanced around the office before carefully perching on the chair. "I thought you and I were the same age - I had assumed you were another grad student."

"Oh! I-I was twenty when I finished my doctorate."

They lapsed into silence. He watched as Diane fidgeted a little, before tucking back a strand of hair behind her ear.

"I'm sorry about last night," Diane said. "I shouldn't have yelled at you." Doofus Rick raised his hands.

"No, no Diane, y-y-you were right to yell at me! It was dark and I'm a man, o-of course that would be scary!"

"It's okay." She set down her coffee, then smiled at him. "I missed you at the coffee shop. I was hoping you could help me."

"R-really?" Doofus Rick blinked. "W-with what, exactly?"

"Well. I've been working on my prospectus, you know. For my research project. I just wanted another set of eyes to take a look at it. I know you're not in the field, but..." she trailed off.

Doofus Rick got a hold of himself. He nodded, quickly. "Y-yeah," he said. "I can, I can look at your prospectus, sure."

"Really?" she beamed at him.

"O-of course! When do you wanna meet?"

Her eyes flick upward, meeting his.

"Are you available tomorrow night?"


	4. Misunderstanding

The first date wasn't actually a date: she wanted Doofus Rick to look over her paper and brainstorm possible questions she'd get asked during orals. They had started at the library but moved to a coffee shop after she had gotten hungry and needed a jolt of caffeine.

She had no idea there was a misunderstanding until it was too late.

"Wow, Rick," she was saying. "I gotta say, I think you know the literature better than I do. It's actually a little embarrassing."

She was about to thank him for taking the time to help her when he said, "I'm just happy to spend time with you. I-I'm having a lot of fun on our date."

Diane's eyes widened a fraction. "Date?" she said.

"I-I mean, I was so surprised, you know, that you would ask me. But I've, I've always liked you, Diane, a-and it makes me happy that you like me too."

Doofus Rick was sitting across from her, smiling shyly and watching her with an earnest, hopeful look. She blinked, then stared back at her papers.

"Rick, this wasn't-- I mean, we haven't....Rick this isn't--"

He tilted his head, expectantly.

"I mean, you're a really nice guy, Rick, and you're smart, and...I mean, I think maybe you should be with someone more on your level."

Painful doesn't begin to describe how Diane felt when she tried to let him down gently - it's her, not him, she's just so busy - and as she spoke she could see him hunch into himself, his thin arms reflexively folding across his chest.

"W-was I talking too much?" Doofus Rick said. "E-everybody says I talk too much. I-I'm really sorry, Diane, I just get really excited about stuff, and...and you're important to me, a-a-a-and I wanted to share it, and...oh boy, I really blew it, didn't I, Diane?"

"No, it's okay," Diane said, quickly. "I'm just really busy with work."

"You know, last night, I-I saw that art history book you were talking about, you know? The one about Caravaggio? So I thought, maybe if I read it, you know, maybe I could learn some of the theories a-a-and impress you a little bit, you know...w-w-when we first met, I just thought that maybe you might think I'm kind of dumb, you know, because I-I don't know art or literature like you do. I-I even--" he started fumbling through his papers, "--I even looked up that one French film, you know, because you said you liked it, a-a-and I thought I'd watch it, you know, but i-i-it wasn't subtitled a-and I had to go borrow a French grammar book, a-and the grammar was easy enough to learn but I-I don't have the vocabulary down, I mean, I-I can order a croissant now, but..."

He trailed off, helplessly.

"I think I was just lonely," Doofus Rick said.

Diane saw his shoulders hunch. His eyes grew wet and shiny, the hurt edging around the corners. She made a snap decision.

"You know French now?" she asked, finally.

*****

They held hands as they walked down the street, Doofus Rick blushing brightly while Diane fondly clasped his arm. Each step forward was a revelation. She liked him. She really really liked him. The fact that he had confused their study session for a date was funny and cute and she felt a little bit sorry for him.

 _I'm going to have sex with him_ , she thought. She looked around and saw a drugstore.

"Hey, can we pop in there a minute? I think I want to grab a soda."

"Oh. Okay." He followed her like a puppy into the CVS. "W-whatcha getting?" he watched as she walked to the family planning aisle of the store.

"Oh. Um. I'm just grabbing some tampons. Don't mind me." Quickly she grabbed a pack of condoms and paid while Doofus Rick stood looking at the different soda selections, then stuffed the bag of condoms into her purse.

"I could've gotten them," Doofus Rick said, as he came up to the register. Diane shook her head.

"I'm not making you pay for my tampons. It's only our first date." Silently she thought, _this wasn't even a date,_ but decided that should be left unspoken.

*****

It's dark in her apartment, and she feels his legs shift under the blankets. He's spooning her, his arm draping across her bare waist as he sighs contentedly. A happy little sound. She feels him press a kiss behind her ear when she says, "Did you know, Rick, we weren't actually on a date?"

He shifts. "Really?" he says. She turns and fits herself into his chest.

"Yeah. I just wanted you to look at my paper."

She presses a kiss to his mouth and feels him smile. The arm tightens.

"Geez."


	5. Misunderstanding, part 2 (mature)

They're having sex again, kissing deeply while he thrusts into her rhythmically.

"Diane?" His voice is breathy when he speaks. 

Diane wraps her arms around him. "Yeah?"

An exhaled breath, then, "This really wasn't a date?" He pushes up on his elbows briefly, searching her face.

Diane starts to laugh. She lifts her chin to kiss him, grinning and tightening her legs around him.

She likes him. She likes kissing him and holding him. It's probably not a good idea to tell him they're having sex because she felt sorry for him.


	6. Kiss (explicit)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Explicit content, fellatio

Kissing Doofus Rick is probably one of Diane's favorite things. He beams at her, smiling broadly as she kisses him. His lips are soft and dry and he has a happy, stupid grin when she kisses him. His face is long and narrow and she likes to press her lips against the sharp edges of his cheekbones, nudging her face against his as she smiles and kisses him.

She loves his ribs, how running her palms flat down his sides makes him ticklish. His shoulders are narrow, and his chest is bony and concave. She drops soft kisses along his clavicles, then rubs small circles above his sternum. His skin is warm, but there's a bony hardness when she rests her cheek against his chest. It's better to rest her head against the softness of his belly, just below his diaphragm.

His hips are narrow, the crests of his hipbones jutting by his waist. She lets her fingers splay over the small spattering of hair beneath his navel. He's not completely hard yet as she gently rubs him over his pants, but she hears him sigh and feels him swell as she presses a kiss along the waistband. Soft, shallow breaths, his hips rising a little from the stimulation. She feels the head of his erection poking outward, and she deftly tugs down his pants.

He's blunt and thick, and there's a pearly bubble of liquid beading at the tip. She closes her mouth over his head, and he gasps a little, hips shifting as she tastes him. He tastes salty and slick and she feels him thicken and lengthen, the muscles of his thin legs and abdomen straining. She feels his spindly hands rest gently on top of her head.

In, out. Her tongue over his glans, over the thick solid ridges and thin, velvet skin. The taste of warm salt slicking around the head. The sound of his soft, pleasured breathing as she works him.

"Um." His voice is tight. Breathy. "Diane, I-I'm gonna...I'm gonna come. _Ah_ ," he gasps, and he pulses suddenly, Diane stilling him in her mouth and swallowing. "S-sorry," he stutters, but Diane bobs her head once more, her tongue swiping up along his shaft.

She rests her head on his chest and smiles at him.


	7. First Date (explicit)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Explicit content, PIV sex, cunnilingus

They're about to have sex when Doofus Rick suddenly exclaims, "I-I-I need to write down something!"

"What?" Diane says, bewildered, but Doofus Rick is already pulling on his shorts and rummaging through her drawers.

"Do you, do you, do you have a notepad o-o-or a sheet of paper?"

"In the bedroom?" Diane watches him as he runs around the room for a little bit, before settling on writing on the back of a kleenex box with a ballpoint pen he fished out from the pocket of his pants, which are lying on the floor because they were supposed to be having sex. "Rick, if we're not gonna do this, I'm going to use my vibrator," Diane says.

"O-okay, Diane, if you don't mind...?" because sex is pretty much on the same level as eating a meal or watching a movie, the idea that she could get mad at him doesn't even occur to him.

"You're lucky you're cute," Diane says. She peers over his shoulder. "What are you writing?"

"I-I think I figured out a unified theory of gravity a-and quantum mechanics," Doofus Rick says. He keeps scribbling down a bunch of math. Diane furrows her brow.

"I thought you were a molecular biologist, though? How do you know physics?"

"Oh, I-I dabble a little bit in it," Doofus Rick says. He runs out of room on the kleenex box, but solves that problem by tearing it open and writing on the inside brown part. Diane shakes her head.

It's been six months since their first date, and while most couples start off going to places together, dinner or a movie or stuff outside together, she and Doofus Rick don't so much go on dates as they do meet up at the library, study, and then go home to one of their respective apartments. ("Rick! What the hell is wrong with you, Rick?!" his colleague says, after he finds out all their dates exclusively consist of sitting in the library. Diane intervenes on Doofus Rick's behalf to tell his colleague that it's okay, she's working on her dissertation, she's too busy for that stuff anyway.) They'll have sex and cook dinner and then fall asleep together, then wake up to go about their normal day.

She goes to the kitchen, heating up a little macaroni while Doofus Rick pauses his manic math-writing to take a shower. Dinner is her eating off a plate while she stands by the sink, listening as Doofus Rick runs back and forth, grabbing a few notebooks before hunkering down at the table.

She washes her dish, then walks past him, fluffing his hair as she steps around the table behind him.

"I'm going to bed," she says. He looks up and beams at her. "Goodnight, Rick."

"Goodnight, Diane." They kiss and she leaves him in the kitchen.

*****

She's asleep when she feels the bed sinking with the weight of another person, and she smiles as she feels herself being folded up against him. Diane blinks her eyes open, and sees the digital clock sitting on the nightstand, its green numbers casting a slight glow in the shadows. 2:13 AM. She hears him sigh contentedly, then press a kiss behind her ear.

She rolls over, then kisses him, tilting her head upward as she presses her body against him. She doesn't need the light to know that he's smiling. The kiss deepens and she feels him gently licking into her mouth, grinding against her with his erection.

"You're not gonna stop to write down some weird theorum, right?" Her voice is breathy as he kisses her neck, slipping his hand into her panties and gently rubbing her with the pad of his middle finger. His voice is low when he says, "I-I thought you were gonna use your vibrator?"

Diane smirks, then touches his face.

They kiss again before quietly undressing, Diane pulling off her nightgown while Doofus Rick pulls off his shirt and pants. They push the bedsheets to the side as Doofus Rick rests between her legs, kissing her face and neck and palming her breasts. He gently nips and kisses her nipples, then rubs the wet peaks with his thumbs, before crawling down the bed. She feels him dip lower and press soft, shy kisses at the hood of her clit, before gently stroking the little nub with his tongue.

Diane tenses, her breath growing short and shallow as he licks her, sucking and kissing her clit while her hips move with urgent cants against his mouth, the pleasure coiling. She feels him gently dip his fingers inside her, his soft tongue gently licking her nub, before stopping to give her one long suck.

She cries out, pitching forward and shuddering with each contraction, her orgasm bright and hot and sudden, until she drops back down onto the bed. She breathes hard and her eyes blink open, while Doofus Rick moves upward, smiling shyly before moving to kiss her.

She feels the blunt head of his cock nudging into her, before he slips inside with one smooth stroke. Diane grins and kisses him, her smile faltering a little as he begins to thrust. He feels good, and she moans softly, tucking her face into his shoulder as he wraps his arms around her and starts thrusting hard. His breathing is ragged. She feels him bury his face into her neck and she cries out as his thrusts grow deeper, more erratic. She starts to feel herself coiling again, the tension in her middle growing before he gasps and sags, pulsing hard and dropping on top of her.

Her heartbeat slows. Almost as an afterthought, she slips her hand between their bodies and rubs herself to a second orgasm, jerking a little while he's still inside her. She beams and they kiss, Doofus Rick hugging her and burying his face into her neck. He looks happy and he can't stop smiling.

They shower and go back to bed, Doofus Rick cuddling her and spooning against her back. She tugs his arm across her chest, then laces her fingers between his.

"Rick?"

"Y-yeah, Diane?"

Diane shifts, hugging him.

"Your co-worker would give you so much shit if he knew you left me to do math instead of having sex."


	8. Comfort

He comes back home, utterly dejected. Diane looks up from the couch.

"What's wrong?" Diane says. She holds her arms out and Doofus Rick buries his head against her neck, climbing onto the couch and curling next to her.

"Everybody hates me," Doofus Rick says.

"What? Why? What happened?"

"Remember that theory I came up with a few days ago? The thing about the multiverse and wormholes?"

Diane remembers: they were in the middle of having sex when Doofus Rick suddenly bounded across the bedroom and started scribbling a bunch of math on the white board.

"Yeah?" Diane says. "Did you show them?"

"I-I did. The department chair called a meeting and...oh boy, Diane. No one was happy to see me," Doofus Rick says, miserably.

She gets the story in stops and starts: apparently his flash of insight led to him alienating the entire physics department, because not only did he come up with a Unified Theory of Everything - the holy grail of theoretical physics, a seamless melding of Einstein's theory of gravity and the contradictory mathematical impossibilities of quantum theory - but he did it after studying the literature for a few hours, and his doctorate wasn't even in theoretical physics. "I-I read a little bit," Doofus Rick said, stupidly, which pissed off the entire physics department.

"I didn't mean to question their entire research." Doofus Rick holds his head and moans, remembering. Diane frowns and tugs him sideways against her shoulder.

He pulls his knees to his chest, angling himself so that she can wrap her arms around him. He's so much taller than her that when he lists sideways, his whole body curls up awkwardly against her torso, as if he's trying to shrink himself to better fit between her arms. She presses a soft kiss to his temple.

"Well," Diane says. Her fingertips stroke his brow. "Do you need their funding?" She drags her fingertips softly along Doofus Rick's scalp. A soothing motion. She lets her lips brush against his forehead.

"I-I mean, I guess I don't. I-I could probably build a beta version of a portal gun from stuff in the garage..."

"Then how about you build it, and then show it to them?" she asks. Doofus Rick lifts his eyes.

The sex they have is gentle and affectionate, more about comfort than any specific need to get off. Afterwards, he lays his head on Diane's chest, sighing deeply as she rests her hand on his back. She knows in the morning he'll lock himself in the garage, furiously scribbling down a million calculations and trying to engineer an impossible portal gun, but for now he seems content to press up against her body, drifting to sleep and closing his eyes.


	9. Overheard

Doofus Rick is walking down the sidewalk when he hears Diane laugh.

Doofus Rick's face lights up. He hadn't expected to see her this early - they weren't supposed to meet up until the end of the day, but she's here now, sitting outside the coffee shop, talking to her friends. He smiles broadly, about to turn the corner to say hi to her, when he overhears her friend say, "Ugh, Diane, your boyfriend is such a mess, what the hell is up with him?"

"What's wrong with her boyfriend?" her other friend says. Her first friend leans forward.

"You know Goofy from Mickey Mouse club? Okay, now imagine if Goofy has a lazy eye and a bowl cut. That's Diane's boyfriend."

Geez, ouch. Doofus Rick stops. He isn't concerned - they already exchanged "I love you's" and he's reasonably secure in their relationship - but he still stays by the wall, listening. Her friends snort. One friend elbows another.

"Well, if that's the case," her other friend waggles her eyebrows. "It's not like in the dark she can see him."

They laugh, and Diane laughs along with them. There's a pang in his chest as Doofus Rick reddens.

"I mean, he is pretty funny-looking--" and it hurts, a little bit, she knows he's self-conscious about his looks, "--but I actually think he's really cute."

Doofus Rick lifts his head. Diane is smiling, playing with a napkin. "He's the sweetest guy I've ever been with," she says. "I love him and I wanna have goofy-looking babies with him."

"Ugh, Diane."

"Seriously?"

Doofus Rick's heart swells. She loves him. She really loves him. He already knows that, technically, but it's nice to hear her say it to her friends. He peers around the corner and sees Diane's back as she leans forward at the table.

"He's a great guy," Diane says. "He's so sweet and nice, he's not like any of the other guys I've dated. And he's smart! He's like, genius-level smart, but he's humble and he's not going to go bragging about it."

"I heard he's some kind of prodigy," her friend says, nodding. Diane grins.

"You know what else?" Diane says.

"What?" her friends say.

"He's really big," Diane says.

"No! Stop it."

"I'm serious! He couldn't fit using normal condoms, we had to go back to the store to buy magnums."

Doofus Rick flushes. Geez. He didn't know this is the way girls talked. He looks around the corner and sees her friends frowning skeptically.

"Isn't that like, the Elephant Man having normal genitalia or something?" her friend says, frowning. Diane smacks her arm.

"My boyfriend is not the Elephant Man," Diane says. Her other friend leans forward.

"So...is it good?" her friend asks. "Being with someone bigger, and all?" Diane nods.

"He's really good," Diane says. "And he has no ego about things, so he doesn't take offense if you correct him. And, uh." Diane grins. "I told you he's a genius, right? So he's a really fast learner."

Their friends laugh. Doofus Rick feels his ears burning. It's flattering but also a little bit embarrassing. He sees Diane smile, thinking about him.

"But it's not even the sex, though." Doofus Rick looks up. "He's sweet and shy and a little awkward, you know, but it's really cute."

"Wow, Diane. You fell hard," her friend says. Her other friend nods.

"Yeah, look at you, Diane. You're smiling like a moron."

Aw, Diane. He grins to himself, happily. There's a warmth in his chest, and he has the sudden urge to scoop her up and hug her.

Their friends get up to leave. Diane is putting her things back in her purse when Doofus Rick rounds the corner.

Diane lifts her head. She sees him and her face brightens.

"Hi honey," she says, smiling.

"H-hi." Giddy, he stoops down to hug her, kissing her and grinning stupidly against her cheek.

Diane grins. "What's this for?" she asks. Doofus Rick answers by hugging her tighter.

"I just wanted to kiss you," he says, smiling.

"Hm." Diane straightens and looks at him with mock seriousness. "Is that right?"

She tugs on the lapels of his lab coat, straightening the fabric. They go to the table.

"What are you doing here?" she asks. He smiles.

"I, uh, was going to get a coffee."

"Oh, I got you one already." She bends down and holds up the little cardboard carrier. "I was going to stop by your office later."

His heart swells. She picks up the cup, and their fingers brush as she hands it to him. It was so thoughtful. He loves her so much!

"Do you have time to stay a little bit, or do you have to give a lecture?" she asks. He sits down across from her, shaking his head.

"I have a little time," he says. "Actually, I-I overheard you talking to your friends," he says.

"Oh, really?" she grins. "Did you hear me singing your praises?"

"I, um. I overheard your friends calling me a mess," he says, and he chuckles a bit. Diane's face goes pale.

"Did you hear me call you funny-looking?" she asks, worried. "Oh, Rick, I'm so sorry, I was just kidding. I love you--"

"No, Diane, i-it's okay," Doofus Rick says. "I mean, I-I am funny-looking, you know? I see myself in the mirror."

"I don't actually think you're funny-looking," Diane says. She holds his hands, concerned. "Did I hurt your feelings?" she asks. Doofus Rick nods.

"Y-yeah, I mean, a little. But then you said all those nice things about me," Doofus Rick says, and Diane lifts her head. "I-it made me feel good, you know? Saying you love me and want to have my goofy-looking babies."

Diane cringes. "Oof. Sorry, Rick."

"W-why are you sorry?" he asks. Diane shakes her head.

"If we had babies, I'm sure they wouldn't be funny-looking," Diane says. Doofus Rick smiles.

"When we have babies, let's hope they take after her mommy," Doofus Rick says.


	10. Overheard, part 2

"Hey, Rick?"

They're walking down the sidewalk, holding hands. Doofus Rick glances over. "Y-yeah, Diane?"

"You didn't, uh, overhear me talking about your, um..."

"My penis? Y-yeah, I did, a little bit. It was kind of embarrassing, to be honest."

"Oh, sorry, Rick! I won't talk about it anymore, I promise."

A beat. And then,

"I-I mean, I guess I don't mind if you tell other people about it."


	11. Misunderstanding, part 3 (explicit)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Continuation of the first PWP scene from [Chiral](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22170631). Explicit content, fellatio, loss of virgiity, PIV sex. Takes place right after Diane orgasms from cunnilingus in the original fic.

This is what happened the first night they were together.

She took him in her mouth, and she felt him throb as he moaned softly, eyes closing and soft little noises coming from his throat. His cock engorged, growing heavy and thick with his arousal, and his mouth went slack, his breathing becoming more ragged. She could tell it felt good to him; his hips moved a fraction as she took him deeper, his pelvis rocking a little, his body straining to keep from suddenly thrusting into her mouth. He let out a ragged gasp when she pulled up again, wrapping a wet hand around his length.

"Do you want to finish inside me, or in my mouth?" she asked. Doofus Rick laughed nervously.

"U-um! That's, that's....that's an interesting question...."

"Do you want me to suck you off?" Her voice was low. She pumped him with her hand, expertly. "Or do you want to put it inside of me?"

"I-i-inside," he said, blushing. Diane grinned at him, then leaned back against the mattress.

He still seemed unsure, so she gripped him by the shoulders and unceremoniously pulled him on top of her. He landed on her with a thud, and they laughed at each other, him embarrassed and her affectionately. They kissed and he slid up against her clit, still outside of her.

She whispered in his ear. "Do you have a condom?"

"Um." He pulled up, shyly. "N-no. I don't. I-I'm sorry--"

"It's okay," she said, quickly. She reached an arm across his chest and pulled open a drawer from the nightstand. "I bought a pack at the drugstore, earlier."

Doofus Rick let out a startled laugh. "R-really?"

Diane grinned at him. "Well yeah."

Doofus Rick ducked his head, smiling. "I-I didn't think we'd actually do this," he said. Diane grinned and kissed him.

"I mean, I pretty much made my mind that I'd sleep with you, earlier on our date," she said.

"Gosh," Doofus Rick said, and he laughed, embarrassed. She smiled fondly at him, then sat up, opening the tin foil square and pulling out the condom.

"Um, Diane...? I...I've never..."

"Oh!" Diane said, and she moved to help him.

Diane tried to roll it on, but the head of his cock was fat, fatter than the diameter of the condom. "I-is it supposed to be this tight?" Doofus Rick asked. She could see him wince a little.

"Um, hold on," Diane said, and she tugged it down. She was just barely able to roll it to the end. It didn't reach the base of his cock, and the fit was so tight that Doofus Rick wilted a little bit.

"Shit," Diane said. Doofus Rick sat up.

"Um...?"

She pulled off the condom.

"Hey," she said, and she kissed him. "How about I just suck you off?"

He looked embarrassed - what kind of man can't even wear a condom? - but she bent over, taking him into her mouth. She bobbed her head and stroked him the way she knew he liked it, using the same motions she did earlier, but he seemed tense. She lifted her head, looking at him.

"What's wrong?" she asked. She pumped his cock, which was wet with her saliva. "Is there anything I should be doing? How do you like it?"

"Um! I-I never actually had this, you know, done before, I-I like everything about it," he said. He still seemed nervous. Diane smiled and kept stroking him.

"Are you worried you'll come in my mouth?" Diane said. She gave the smooth tip of his head one broad lick, then stroked him upwards. "It's okay, Rick." Her wet fingers closed over his erection. "I'll swallow."

He gasped, and ejaculated in her hand, thick white stripes of semen landing on his belly and chest. Diane smiled, stroking him gently, before she felt his hand close over hers, stopping her.

"Oh, geez." He cringed, then reached for a tissue, embarrassed. Diane cuddled him reassuringly, then wiped him up with a tissue.

"Sorry," he said, as they settled back down in the bed. Diane responded by kissing him gently and resting her head on his shoulder. "I-it's just, the way you were touching me, you know, a-a-and then you said that you would swallow--"

"It's okay." She gave him a reassuring squeeze, then kissed his chest, her fingers resting lightly on his sternum. "Less work for me, anyway."

He laughed at that. She kissed him and held him, pulling the blankets around them.

She switched off the light. She felt tired and warm, and she could feel him shifting her close, curling his body around hers. 

"Hey Rick?"

"Y-yeah?"

"You wanna get more condoms?" She rolled over, facing him. "The drugstore's probably still open."

"We don't have to," Doofus Rick said, but Diane hugged him and kissed him, resting her body against his. 

"I want to have sex with you. Unless you'd rather go to sleep?" 

"I guess it's not that late," he murmured. His eyes were closing, but he pushed himself awake. They got up and got dressed, Diane pulling on her coat and taking Doofus Rick by the hand.

*****

The clerk at the drugstore didn't seem to recognize them, but Diane could tell Doofus Rick was still embarrassed. He shuffled hesitantly behind her as she walked confidently to the Family Planning aisle, picking up the black box of Magnums and a bottle of lube before striding up to the register.

"A-are you sure those won't be too big?" he asked. He seemed embarrassed. "It says it's extra large, I-I don't think they'll fit--"

"Well let's just call it an experiment," Diane said, and she set their things on the counter, reaching for her wallet. Before she could pay, though, Doofus Rick handed the cashier a wad of crumpled bills, his ears burning red as he awkwardly took the bag from the cashier. Diane giggled.

"Thanks," she said. She hugged his arm, smiling at him. 

"I-I mean, I'm not gonna make you pay for them. I-I wish you told me earlier, I would have bought those condoms."

He didn't seem as nervous back at her apartment. She kissed him and held him and was only a little surprised when he reached behind her to pull out the box of magnums. Wordlessly, she tore open the gold foil and positioned the ring over his cock, and she let out a delighted squeal when it fit perfectly, but still wasn't quite long enough. She laughed. "Seriously?!"

Doofus Rick cringed, but Diane poured a little lube on her hand and began stroking his cock with the slippery liquid. "Just in case you don't fit," she explained, and he laughed, embarrassed.

She leaned back on the mattress, reaching down to guide him and position him between her legs. She felt the blunt head of his cock pushing into her, the lips of her labia stretching to accommodate him. "Wow," Diane said. He gasped and slid in all the way. "You really are big."

He let out an embarrassed laugh, collapsing onto her shoulder. 

One cautious slide out, then a hard slide in, and Diane jerked, the sudden jolt of pleasure surprising her. He was sliding up against her G spot, his pubis rubbing against her clit, and she jerked again, gasping a little at the feel of him. "Wow," Diane said. He breathed and kept thrusting, pushing deeper into her. "That feels really good, Rick."

"Y-yeah?" He looked up at her, embarrassed. Diane nodded.

"Yeah." She kissed him, smiling. "You feel really good."

He ducked his head bashfully, then thrust a little harder.

They breathed softly as he pumped into her with a steady rhythm, instinct and arousal taking over. His breathing was ragged and she felt him driving into her with his full weight, the friction against her G-spot and the weight of his pelvis grinding against her clit. Her nipples were sensitive, scraping against his chest as he moved, and suddenly he kissed her deeply, breathing hard through his nose as he gripped his arms around her.

He gasped, then stuttered, pulsing and sagging against her. Diane was close, just at the very edge, so all it took was for her to slip her hand between their bodies and rub the pad of her finger against her clit, once, twice, and then she was gasping and jerking hard beneath him. She felt his cock throb a few more times again in response.

He let out a happy sound, and she reached up to kiss him, smiling against his mouth. "Congratulations," she said. She pressed another soft kiss. "You're not a virgin."

"Aw, geez." He ducked his head, laughing quietly as she hugged him.

They cleaned themselves, then got back into bed. His body felt good and warm and she snuggled against him, wrapping her arms around his waist as she pulled up the blankets. Earlier, he had babbled nervously about learning French and confessing to her that he felt lonely, but now he seemed happy, sleepy and content. His eyes were closed but he was smiling. Diane smiled and kissed him again, before resting her head on his shoulder and closing her eyes.


	12. Before

"Rick, where do you keep your dishes?" Diane opened a cabinet and was dismayed to see only a rack of test tubes and Erlenmeyer flasks. "Don't you have any pots and pans?"

"Oh, um." He went over to the kitchen. "I-I have a cast iron skillet in the oven."

"Do you have a sauce pan? Something I can boil water in?"

"Um, I have this," Doofus Rick said, and he pulled out a large metal basin, which looked like the metal liner to a piece of science equipment. " I-I use this for water baths."

"Rick, how do you cook? This is ridiculous." Diane put her hands on her hips, frowning at him.

Doofus Rick demurred. "W-well. I don't really cook..."

"What do you do when you need to eat?" She opened another cupboard and shook her head at the pile of tools that were lying on the shelves.

"Um, I mean, they have yogurt in the teacher's lounge--"

"So you scavenge for yogurt? That's it?" She picked up what looked like an extension clip, a two-pronged burette clamp, then set it down again. "Ugh, Rick, no wonder you're so thin."

She took inventory of the rest of his kitchen: his fridge was empty except for a carton of expired milk and several jugs of god-knows-what that needed refrigeration for his experiments. The cupboards were bare except for a line of graduated cylinders where one would expect to find drinking glasses, and the silverware drawer was full with crumpled paper and duct tape and miscellaneous hardware. The pièce de résistance, though, was the large rolling white board he had propped up behind the kitchen table.

"It's like a garage in here," Diane said. She poked around. "Oh hey. A box of cereal." Captain Crunch, actually. She shook it open and popped some in her mouth. "And they're stale."

"Geez," Doofus Rick said, blushing. She padded around the linoleum, frowning.

"We need to take you shopping," Diane said.

"I-I mean, we usually stay at your place, whatever we'd get would just go bad--"

"You use your freezer as a pantry, dummy. We'll blanch some veggies and put them in freezer bags. And at least we could get a few packages of meat." She opened the freezer and frowned at the empty ice tray staring back at her. "You have spices?"

"Um..."

"I'm going to take that as a no." Diane shut the freezer door.

*****

She was an art historian, not a scientist, but she had equally as astute powers of observation.

A meal for Doofus Rick was a small package of crackers that were smashed up in his pocket along with a big gulp of coffee. Half the time he'd be scribbling out calculations next to a sad sack lunch of untouched sandwiches, which withered on the workbench, ignored and uneaten. He would go whole days without eating, working with a manic energy that needed only a few sugar packets and coffee to sustain him.

"Did you eat?" It bothered Diane that the only source of calories for him was from whatever pastry she bought at the coffee shop. "Rick, please tell me you had something other than that brownie."

"I had a cup of coffee," Doofus Rick said stupidly.

****

His closet was a travesty.

Dingy lab coats, a few blue shirts with holes in them. He had exactly one suit that was probably too big to properly fit him, and the dress shirt that was paired with it was yellowed and stained. "Rick, this is terrible," Diane said. She tossed a few of his more ratty pieces onto the bed, where Doofus Rick was perched on the edge, knees to his chin and watching nervously. "This one has a hole so big you can see your nipple through it. Seriously?"

"I only wear that at home, and i-it's comfortable," Doofus Rick said. Diane tossed it onto the pile.

She started cutting his hair - Doofus Rick had absolutely zero vanity, a haircut for him meant buzzing around the circumference of his head with a pair of clippers - but Diane actually took the time to make him semi-presentable. "Wow," Doofus Rick said. He ran his fingers through the short hairs at the back of his head. "This looks nice."

"Yeah?" Diane shook the clippers over the trashcan, then set it on the sink. "It was my first time doing it."

Doofus Rick laughed. "R-really?" he said.

She stepped beside him, looking at their reflections in the mirror.

"Well I mean, at the very least, I can see what I'm doing," Diane said.

*****

"Huh," his colleagues said. Doofus Rick was busy purifying proteins for activity assays, hunching over the workbench engrossed in his work, and for lack of a better word, he looked...normal. Not twitchy and weird-looking, which is how he usually looked, even without his lazy eye and buck teeth. He looked like he knew what he was doing. That was a first.

"Did you fill out?" his colleague said. Doofus Rick looked up, startled.

"W-what?"

"You gained weight." His colleague stared. He didn't look like a spastic gumby skeleton. He just looked like a tall, average-looking man. Doofus Rick rubbed his neck, sheepishly.

"I have?"

"Yeah, you know. You don't look like a walking question mark anymore."

"What did they mean, I look like a question mark?" Doofus Rick asked Diane, when they met at the coffee shop later. "Did he mean I looked confused o-or that I don't know what I'm doing?"

Diane stood up, then hunched her shoulders, showing him.

"See?" Diane said. She held her elbow across her chest, copying him. "Question mark."

"Oh," Doofus Rick said. Diane kissed him and laughed, wrapping an arm around his waist, squeezing him.


	13. After

There are Erlenmeyer flasks shoved unceremoniously next to the dishes.

Doofus Rick is hunched over the table, writing out calculations with a stubby pencil. There are little nicks in his scalp from where he shaved his bowl cut and grease stains on his lab coat. He's working so furiously he doesn't notice Diane walking barefoot into the kitchen, nor the fact that she's only wearing a T-shirt and panties, obviously about to go to bed. She fluffs his hair as she walks past him, and he smiles and glances up briefly, before going back to his calculations.

"Jesus, look at Rick." His colleagues glance up as Doofus Rick comes in the next day, wearing rumpled clothes with that stupid, toothy grin. "He looks like a trainwreck. What happened?"

"I think she stopped trying," his other colleague says.


	14. Misunderstanding, part 4

"Gosh, Diane, I-I never thought this would happen."

They had just finished having sex for the first time, Doofus Rick holding Diane close while Diane tugged his arm around her chest, lacing her fingers around his. "I-I've always liked you, Diane," he said, and Diane smiled, pulling his hand upward to kiss his knuckles. She shifted, turning, then bumped her head against his chin. 

"I like you too," Diane said. She dropped a soft kiss against his chest, just below his collarbone. His thin arms wrapped around her and she pressed her lips against his skin, nuzzling him. 

"You know, I-I always thought, you know, maybe you just thought I was a huge dork or something."

"Mm. You are a dork. You're my dork."

"R-really?"

She propped herself up on her elbows, her hands resting flat against his chest as she looked up at him. "I slept with you, didn't I?"

He laughed. She grinned and kissed him, a strand of hair falling over her face. She felt his fingers shyly brushing her hair back, tucking the strand behind her ear, then resting carefully against her cheek. 

Soft kisses. The feel of his heartbeat beneath her cheek. She pressed her lips against his chest and let her fingers gently splay over the sparse spattering of chest hair below his navel, before wandering upwards to carefully palm his ribs. She felt tired in a good way, and she exhaled deeply, drifting to sleep.


	15. Trust (explicit)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Continuation of a scene from the fic [Chiral](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22170631), where Doofus Rick and Diane have sex without a condom for the first time. Explicit content, unprotected PIV sex; assumes Diane is on some other form of birth control.

This is what happens the first time they have sex without condoms.

"Oh boy," he says. He gasps and thrusts, hugging her. "Oh wow. Oh boy--"

Diane laughs into his neck. "What?" she says, laughing.

"I-i-it feels so good, Diane!"

"Oh my god." Diane snorts into his neck. Doofus Rick grins sheepishly. They kiss smiling as he thrusts harder.

He gasps and collapses on top of her, pulsing hard and breathing raggedly against her neck. She rests a hand on his head, holding him against her chest as he catches his breath, his body relaxing after his orgasm. 

They kiss. He's still inside her, but he pushes in slowly, a few languid pumps as they softly kiss, and she squeezes a little around him.

"This is nice," she says. She touches his face. He ducks his head, smiling shyly. 

They kiss again, and she feels him throb a little, still pumping slowly. He's not all the way hard but he's not flaccid either, and they stay connected as they kiss and hold each other, him gently moving in and out. 

Her hands drift up and down the skin of his back, her fingertips ghosting over the bumps of his spine and the curve of his ribs, and it isn't until he's mouthing the side of her neck and gently kneading her breast that she realizes he's hard again. What started as a few slow languid pumps had blossomed into gentle, deep thrusts, and she can feel him lengthen and thicken inside her. 

"Wait--" she gasps, then giggles, wrapping her arms around him. "I didn't even pee yet, don't you have a refractory period?"

He speaks against her neck. "I-it's been a few minutes." His thumb grazes her nipple. "You feel really good."

Diane laughs, then gasps at the feel of him rubbing against her G-spot, shockwaves of pleasure rocketing to her clit. He moves and she swears the internal branches of her clit are being stimulated, the pleasure being sent up along her nub.

His mouth closes over her nipple, and she feels like she's going to die.

She cries out, then grips the short hairs on the back of his head, the muscles of her stomach and thighs tightening. His thrusts are short and shallow, but she strains and writhes beneath him, tilting her pelvis upwards, trying to get more of that sensation. 

His voice is breathy when he asks, "Do you want me to go down on you?"

She nods, gasping. "Please," she says, and all at once he pulls out, then lowers himself down her belly. She felt his thumbs spread her carefully, before lowering his face, then licking her aching, swollen nub with devastating intention.

Diane cries out, her muscles straining, edging close as he softly licks her nub, suckling gently before stroking her with his tongue. She can feel the pleasure building until he gives her one long suck, and she cries out, her body contracting as harsh spikes of pleasure tear through her. 

She falls back onto the mattress, and Doofus Rick is crawling on top of her again.

She grins up at him, breathless, her chest still heaving as she touches his face and guides him down to kiss him. He smiles shyly and she can taste herself on his thin lips, salty and a little metallic. One smooth stroke, and he slips inside her again, hiding his face into her neck as he starts to thrust.

After it's over, after they shower and clean themselves properly, they arrange themselves back on the bed, pulling up the covers. Diane rests her head on Doofus Rick's chest, her hand idly stroking the fabric of his shirt while she presses soft kisses along his collarbone.


	16. Playboys (mature)

"Rick? How often do you masturbate?"

Doofus Rick coughed on the cup of coffee he had been drinking. "W-w-why would you want to know that?" he asked. Diane smiled and shrugged.

"Just curious," Diane said. "I probably do it, oh, maybe two or three times a week?" She snuggled up next to him. "Although, considering we've been staying over, I really haven't had to." 

Doofus Rick's ears were red. He stared at his coffee awkwardly. "Um. I-I guess..." Diane waited. "Maybe, maybe once or twice a day? I-I mean, i-i-it helps me sleep. A-a-and in the mornings, you know, when a guy wakes up, they get hard a-a-and it's uncomfortable, and the quickest way to get it down would be to...um. You know?"

Diane laughed, hugging him. "You're cute when you're embarrassed," she said. She pressed a kiss on his cheek. "Do you look at anything?"

"Um. Like what?"

"Like porn? Playboys or anything?"

"Oh, um..." Doofus Rick blushed. "I-it's not like I have a subscription or anything."

Diane grinned at him. "Can I see?" she asked.

"Wha- N-no! That's, that's, that's personal a-a-and really embarrassing--"

"Oh c'mon," Diane said. She stroked his arm, smiling at him. 

"I-I think you're just gonna make fun of me," Doofus Rick said.

"Rick, I love you. If I make fun of you, it's only because of how much I love you. Please?" she asked, and he blushed, not looking at her.

"O-okay. But don't laugh, okay?"

"I won't." Diane perched on the bed, waiting as Doofus Rick rummaged awkwardly through his dresser drawer.

Blondes. Freckled blondes. Blondes in swimsuits. Blondes wading topless in a clear blue ocean. Blonds splayed out, their hands demurely resting on pink-tipped breasts. Blondes reclining on a bed, their hands suggestively touching their mons pubis.

Diane stifled a laugh. "I can't decide if this is cute or creepy," she said.


	17. Marriage

The thing is, Doofus Rick never really had any friends.

He had his books. In school he would hide the awkward loneliness by burying his nose in a book, focusing his restless mind on the words on the page. While others were partying and making friends, Doofus Rick was more at home noodling around the office or the lab, hanging out in the protein crystallography room or the microscope room, using the spinning disk microscope to track fluorescent-tagged single molecules, hide among the temperature-controlled incubators of genetically modified bacteria. Following a question to its logical conclusion was easiest for him, not having to navigate all the complicated uncertainties of human emotion. 

He kept going on like that. Day after day, painfully shy and awkward and introverted. Working staved off the loneliness and the gnawing, aching feeling that he didn't belong. 

"You know I love you, right?" Diane says one night, lying in bed next to him, after he's been uncharacteristically quiet. She thoughtfully strokes the skin of his arm, her lips just barely grazing the skin of his collarbone. Doofus Rick turns and Diane looks up and smiles at him, and she's so open and kind and trusting, and Doofus Rick's eyes fill with tears.

"Rick?" Diane wraps her arms around him. "Rick, what's the matter, Rick?"

"I-I-I--" Doofus Rick sniffs. "I'm just...I-I'm just so happy, Diane."

"I'm happy too."

He never realized how lonely he was until he found someone to come home to.

They don't have a wedding. Instead it's a simple trip to City Hall, filling out necessary paperwork and a quick ceremony. They kiss and Diane fits easily against his scrawny chest, feeling soft and warm as she hugs him. 

"I'm glad that you're my husband," she says on their wedding night. He beams happily against her forehead.

"Me too."


End file.
